Thursday, March 31, 2011

There are no damn excuses

I've mentioned on Twitter lately that I am expecting to be an aunt again come November. The announcement was strange to me, since my younger brother hasn't been married terribly long. And since he and his bride had been in Iraq until just recently, I haven't had a chance to so much as meet this new sister in law. I'm not certain I am used to the notion of this brother being married, never mind a prospective father.
A week later, back at my sister's house, her husband offers her some wine -a not uncommon event. She gets frustrated, asks him why he would be offering her that now. I am only barely paying attention but even I catch the part where he tells her she should check with her doctor if it's okay for her to have a little.
And, I know she's been trying to conceive. I bought her tea and looked at... well, never mind what I looked at. So when she tells me that she's five weeks pregnant and due only a few weeks after my brother's wife, I am not altogether surprised.
Another sister-in-law is also expecting again - her second. Not counting children from other relationships on the parts of my sibling's spouses, I'm looking at playing aunt to seven nieces and nephews by the end of the year. My parents are about to double their grandchildren and they don't even know it.
The last time a rash of pregnancies rippled through our families, I had an enormously difficult time accepting it. I've mentioned it in passing (on KMA) before that my husband and I tried for several years to conceive, with no success. So when my sister got pregnant the first time, outside of wedlock in complete contradiction to how we had been raised, I was so terribly hurt and angry that it took me well over a year to work through all that emotion.
I'm sure anyone who is reading this may be wondering why I am posting about babies and emotions on a space that was intended for excerpts from a book I am not really writing these days.
The thing is, I've always wanted to be a parent. I've come to grips, more or less, with the idea that it might not ever happen for me. This new round of pregnancies has reminded me full force of that and although I am not devastated the way I was last time, it has given me a bit of a kick in the pants. 
Because the other thing I've always wanted is to be a published writer. And looking at my siblings building their lives and families will not be an excuse for me to wallow this time.
Not that my siblings are competitors for anything, but when you come from a large and dynamic family where someone is always doing something, there's a bit of a spur built into that. You did that? Oh, that's cool. I'm doing this.
I've put myself on the sidelines for a while now. And so my new challenge to myself is to start with just writing something every day. Something fictional, not just another WoW blog post. However much or little I get, at least it will be something. 
And with that, this space will be seeing some life again. Not just for Emergent excerpts but to do more to track my own emergence as a creative writer once again. 
If anyone is reading and wants to give the appearance of caring, I invite you to remind me as often as you like that there are no damn excuses this time. 

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Constructive criticism welcome. However, I am not looking to have anyone point out every grammatical error. I know they exist and I just can't care about those while trying to write.